I need my resume to look great

I want my resume redone.  I want it to look great!  I want stuff added to it wherever you feel is needed.  I need a superb cover page as well as resume.  Pretty much I want an employer to take one good look at it and be forced to call me in for an interview because of it.  PLEASE IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO A HALF A## JOB DONT BOTHER BIDDING.  Depending on the final draft will determine how big of a tip I give.  

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I also need a cover page attached with it that I can use for any job I want to apply for.

Attached is my current resume! You can redo it all over with  a different format and layout..  I just need it to be excellent!

Also attached is some suggestions that were given to me about my resume! Please read